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MISTER MONSTER:
SCENE ONE
MS. ROSARIO is pacing nervously in her office. It is 9:00 a.m.
MS. ROSARIO. [desperate] I need a mascot for our Monster Sale. The broadcast starts in two hours! There must be at least one monster that needs a job!
[MISS PETAL enters. She looks terrified.]
MISS PETAL. Ms. Rosario, someone is waiting to see you for the mascot job.
MS. ROSARIO. Great! Show him in.
[MISS PETAL leaves, still looking terrified.]
[YGOR enters, holding a thick rope that is pulled tight. At the other end of the rope is THE MONSTER, hidden offstage. MS. ROSARIO stares up at THE MONSTER. She looks amazed, then overjoyed.]
MS. ROSARIO. Perfect.
YGOR. My name is Ygor Manic. [points to THE MONSTER, still offstage] This is my friend Frankensteinz. He wants to apply for the job you advertised.
MS. ROSARIO. [still staring at THE MONSTER] Frankensteinz?
YGOR. Yes, Frankensteinz is his first name. It’s spelled with a z.
MS. ROSARIO. What is his last name?
YGOR. Monster.
[Offstage, THE MONSTER makes a loud grunt. A cat howls. THE MONSTER tugs the rope impatiently, pulling YGOR toward him. MS. ROSARIO pulls the rope back.]
YGOR. No, Frankie! Leave the cat alone! [turning to MS. ROSARIO] I think he’s hungry. He hasn’t eaten since he was born.
[MS. ROSARIO makes a cell phone call.]
MS. ROSARIO. [on her cell phone] Miss Petal, call Cluck-Cluck Chicken. Order a bucket of chicken and a broccoli salad. And hop to it, if you love your cat!
[The rope loosens suddenly. YGOR and MS. ROSARIO fall to the floor. MS. ROSARIO gets up immediately and brushes herself off.]
MS. ROSARIO. [calmly] Let’s take Mr. Monster to the lunchroom. We can sit down. And I can tell you about the job.
YGOR. And how much it pays.
MS. ROSARIO. Yes, I can tell you that, too.
SCENE TWO
Later that morning. MS. ROSARIO gives orders to MISS PETAL, who takes notes.
MS. ROSARIO. We must hurry. The broadcast begins at 12:30. Call the makeup department. Tell them that Mr. Monster looks too scary. They should cover some of his stitches. Call wardrobe. Say we won’t need them.
MISS PETAL. [breathlessly] Yes, Ms. Rosario.
[Noises offstage: tin plates clatter.]
THE MONSTER. [from offstage] More food!
YGOR. [from offstage] Eat your broccoli.
[From offstage, MISS PETAL’s cat howls.]
YGOR. [from offstage] No, Frankie! Not the cat!
[MS. ROSARIO and MISS PETAL look nervously at each other.]
MS. ROSARIO. And order more chicken.
MISS PETAL. Cooked?
MS. ROSARIO. [sounding overwhelmed] Whatever.
SCENE THREE
That afternoon, MS. ROSARIO watches a commercial on TV from her desk. She looks impressed.
VOICE OF SALESMAN ON TV. [very jolly] So, come to Dollar Rite Department Store right away! Discover our monster bargains. Shake hands with our monster mascot …
VOICE OF FRANKENSTEINZ ON TV. More food!
VOICE OF SALESMAN ON TV. [laughing] Shake hands if you dare!
[MS. ROSARIO turns off the TV. MISS PETAL enters the office with DR. FRANKENSTEIN.]
MISS PETAL. Ms. Rosario, this gentleman wants to speak with you.
[She points to the man as she leaves.]
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [speaking angrily to MS. ROSARIO] My name is Dr. Victor Frankenstein. You stole my creation!
MS. ROSARIO. [surprised] Your what?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. My creation! I put him together from a hundred dead bodies! I created him. I did not give you permission to use him in your commercial.
[YGOR enters the office, pulling on the rope. THE MONSTER is offstage, at the other end of the rope.]
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [pointing at YGOR]
You! You stole my creature to make money!
YGOR. We need the money. Do you know how much it will cost to keep this monster?
[As YGOR argues with the doctor, he drops the rope mistakenly. The rope disappears.]
YGOR. The cost of food alone will break our backs!
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. That’s my problem!I created him. I gave him life!
YGOR. Oh, yes, you gave him life. But did you give him love? Did you give him a name? Did you give him breakfast?
[MS. ROSARIO notices that the rope is gone.]
MS. ROSARIO. Uh, gentlemen? Gentlemen?
[DR. FRANKENSTEIN and YGOR continue to argue, pointing at each other.]
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. You, you … listen …!
YGOR. No, you listen!
MS. ROSARIO. [shouting] Gentlemen!
YGOR AND DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [turning toward MS. ROSARIO] What?
MS. ROSARIO. He’s gone.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [looking around]
Oh no!
[YGOR and DR. FRANKENSTEIN both turn toward MS. ROSARIO.]
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. Call the police!
YGOR. Call the highway patrol!
DR. FRANKENSTEIN. Call the hospital!
YGOR. Call the Recycling Center!
[The phone rings. MS. ROSARIO answers it. She listens quietly and then hangs up.]
MS. ROSARIO. He’s in the lunchroom.
[YGOR and DR. FRANKENSTEIN rush out of the office. MISS PETAL enters.]
