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MISTER MONSTER: 

SCENE ONE 

MS. ROSARIO is pacing nervously in her office. It is 9:00 a.m. 

MS. ROSARIO. [desperate] I need a mascot for our Monster Sale. The broadcast starts in two hours! There must be at least one monster that needs a job! 

[MISS PETAL enters. She looks terrified.] 

MISS PETAL. Ms. Rosario, someone is waiting to see you for the mascot job. 

MS. ROSARIO. Great! Show him in. 

[MISS PETAL leaves, still looking terrified.] 

[YGOR enters, holding a thick rope that is pulled tight. At the other end of the rope is THE MONSTER, hidden offstage. MS. ROSARIO stares up at THE MONSTER. She looks amazed, then overjoyed.] 

MS. ROSARIO. Perfect. 

YGOR. My name is Ygor Manic. [points to THE MONSTER, still offstage] This is my friend Frankensteinz. He wants to apply for the job you advertised. 

MS. ROSARIO. [still staring at THE MONSTER] Frankensteinz? 

YGOR. Yes, Frankensteinz is his first name. It’s spelled with a z. 

MS. ROSARIO. What is his last name? 

YGOR. Monster. 

[Offstage, THE MONSTER makes a loud grunt. A cat howls. THE MONSTER tugs the rope impatiently, pulling YGOR toward him. MS. ROSARIO pulls the rope back.] 

YGOR. No, Frankie! Leave the cat alone! [turning to MS. ROSARIO] I think he’s hungry. He hasn’t eaten since he was born. 

[MS. ROSARIO makes a cell phone call.] 

MS. ROSARIO. [on her cell phone] Miss Petal, call Cluck-Cluck Chicken. Order a bucket of chicken and a broccoli salad. And hop to it, if you love your cat! 

[The rope loosens suddenly. YGOR and MS. ROSARIO fall to the floor. MS. ROSARIO gets up immediately and brushes herself off.] 

MS. ROSARIO. [calmly] Let’s take Mr. Monster to the lunchroom. We can sit down. And I can tell you about the job. 

YGOR. And how much it pays. 

MS. ROSARIO. Yes, I can tell you that, too. 

SCENE TWO 

Later that morning. MS. ROSARIO gives orders to MISS PETAL, who takes notes. 

MS. ROSARIO. We must hurry. The broadcast begins at 12:30. Call the makeup department. Tell them that Mr. Monster looks too scary. They should cover some of his stitches. Call wardrobe. Say we won’t need them. 

MISS PETAL. [breathlessly] Yes, Ms. Rosario. 

[Noises offstage: tin plates clatter.] 

THE MONSTER. [from offstage] More food! 

YGOR. [from offstage] Eat your broccoli. 

[From offstage, MISS PETAL’s cat howls.] 

YGOR. [from offstage] No, Frankie! Not the cat! 

[MS. ROSARIO and MISS PETAL look nervously at each other.] 

MS. ROSARIO. And order more chicken. 

MISS PETAL. Cooked? 

MS. ROSARIO. [sounding overwhelmed] Whatever. 

SCENE THREE 

That afternoon, MS. ROSARIO watches a commercial on TV from her desk. She looks impressed. 

VOICE OF SALESMAN ON TV. [very jolly] So, come to Dollar Rite Department Store right away! Discover our monster bargains. Shake hands with our monster mascot … 

VOICE OF FRANKENSTEINZ ON TV. More food! 

VOICE OF SALESMAN ON TV. [laughing] Shake hands if you dare! 

[MS. ROSARIO turns off the TV. MISS PETAL enters the office with DR. FRANKENSTEIN.] 

MISS PETAL. Ms. Rosario, this gentleman wants to speak with you. 

[She points to the man as she leaves.] 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [speaking angrily to MS. ROSARIO] My name is Dr. Victor Frankenstein. You stole my creation! 

MS. ROSARIO. [surprised] Your what? 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. My creation! I put him together from a hundred dead bodies! I created him. I did not give you permission to use him in your commercial. 

[YGOR enters the office, pulling on the rope. THE MONSTER is offstage, at the other end of the rope.] 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [pointing at YGOR] 

You! You stole my creature to make money! 

YGOR. We need the money. Do you know how much it will cost to keep this monster? 

[As YGOR argues with the doctor, he drops the rope mistakenly. The rope disappears.] 

YGOR. The cost of food alone will break our backs! 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. That’s my problem!I created him. I gave him life! 

YGOR. Oh, yes, you gave him life. But did you give him love? Did you give him a name? Did you give him breakfast? 

[MS. ROSARIO notices that the rope is gone.] 

MS. ROSARIO. Uh, gentlemen? Gentlemen? 

[DR. FRANKENSTEIN and YGOR continue to argue, pointing at each other.] 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. You, you … listen …! 

YGOR. No, you listen! 

MS. ROSARIO. [shouting] Gentlemen! 

YGOR AND DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [turning toward MS. ROSARIO] What? 

MS. ROSARIO. He’s gone. 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. [looking around] 

Oh no! 

[YGOR and DR. FRANKENSTEIN both turn toward MS. ROSARIO.] 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. Call the police! 

YGOR. Call the highway patrol! 

DR. FRANKENSTEIN. Call the hospital! 

YGOR. Call the Recycling Center! 

[The phone rings. MS. ROSARIO answers it. She listens quietly and then hangs up.] 

MS. ROSARIO. He’s in the lunchroom. 

[YGOR and DR. FRANKENSTEIN rush out of the office. MISS PETAL enters.]